I wrote a book called Disconnected. Now I've unfollowed everything on Twitter.

In my book I recommend a Marie Kondo-esque digital spring clean every now and again. I just did an extreme version.

Collectively and individually we’ve formed cultural “rules” around social media and each platform:

“I must have Linkedin for work”.
“I must have Twitter to get my writing out there”.
“I must have TikTok to stay relevant”.
“I must follow my cousin’s girlfriend’s dog account on Instagram.”

We have our own specific and personal relationships with it, and any relationship, big or small, takes courage to break off.

The reason I wrote Disconnected, which came out in January 2022, was because in the Summer of 2021 I realised that the very people (mainly Millennials but across the board) who grew up enchanted and excited by the offerings of social media were quickly becoming despondent, deflated and disconnected. The tools we grow up with, that allowed us to connect, find our interests and boost our careers started to change.

Many of us find ourselves utterly exhausted and overwhelmed right now. We are tied to things, platforms, acquaintances, technology and habits and never-ending to-do lists. The pandemic was a catalytic event that made us question many things in our lives. Because the pace of modern life is busier than ever, we rarely question if the things that served us years ago may no longer serve us in the same way. It’s September after all, a perfect time for a Spring clean.

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Asking the question

I have questioned whether I ‘have’ to be on social media many times throughout my career. I made being Very Online a huge part of my bRaNd. I wrote a book called How I Grew Up Online! I loved it, it was my world. That was then. When things were different. And now, I’m ready to take a huge step back. We change, we grow, we change, we grow.

People started questioning ‘the algorithm’ and the puppet-on-a-string feeling — and a 2018 study found a link between social media use and ADHD. Many feel like we’re being constantly sold to, and the aggressive news cycle can trigger anxiety, low moods and other mental health problems. The main reason for wanting to write the book was because I felt that we weren’t just disconnected from each other, we were disconnected from ourselves. When did we last stop and truly ask ourselves what we were using it for? When did we last ask ourselves what we actually want?

Selina Barker, a friend of mine, said she’d left social media because it had become “a toxic relationship that made her feel agitated, stressed and burdened”. She’s not been on social media for eight weeks, and she told The Telegraph that she was in part inspired to do it after reading Disconnected. She is an entrepreneur, author and life-design coach, and her business model is actually improving without it. So, why wasn’t I taking my own practical advice in the book as much as other people were? Time for a digital Marie Kondo moment. Hardly any of it was bringing me joy.

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Too much stuff

I was listening to a podcast episode on a run recently with the masterful Seth Godin, and he said something that struck me. He is not “famous” and a lot of people haven’t heard of him or his books but he makes a huge difference in many people’s lives. He writes about making change, being creative and showing up for your work and your life. When asked how he manages his time and creative projects, he said: “I don’t do Twitter and I don’t watch TV.”

Now, I love watching TV (reality TV or a good film), but it made me reflect on my relationship with Twitter. How much time does it suck from me, really? Why does my heart race and mood plummet when I open the app? Over the past few decades, I have met and worked with so many different people. Twitter was my place to network and hang out, and somehow I was following 4,000 people. People I’d met in different jobs, people I love dearly, people I met in a pub loo once. But being exposed to the thoughts, rages, opinions, travel woes and political views of over 4,000 people every day would be too much for any one, even someone like me who used to thrive off being fully immersed in a world of pixels. I cannot get good ideas (that often come to me in the form of a random lightbulb moment) when I’m scrolling through that amount of stuff.

The cocktail party trap

As we know, social media is essentially one big cocktail party, especially Twitter. On any given day, it can be a good one, a bad one, or an indifferent one. Sometimes we may get a new job offer or meet a new friend because we attended the cocktail party, but a lot of the time, we get these things from other organic avenues too. An actor friend of mine says you rarely get work from attending a shiny party where someone takes your photo. It’s a trap, to make you think that being visible will get you higher up the ladder. The cocktail party trap. Sometimes, actually, it works the other way round. It doesn’t hurt to attend the party every now and again, but it’s not the only strategy for growing a business, growing a career and growing friendships. The only ‘strategy’ that really matters? Focus on making good work.

Anxiety spreads. Behaviour spreads. When someone in a room stands up and says “we’re all going to die” it affects the whole room instantly. It’s human survival. But it’s not good for our nervous system to be in that constant state of flight or fight, when in reality, you are just sitting on a chair in a room.

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Dunbar’s Number

We’ve all heard of Oxford evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar and his research that says there is a cognitive limit on the size of any social group— and it’s around 150 individuals. According to the hypothesis: “the neocortex is commonly believed to play a crucial role in handling social relationships” and “its size should set an upper limit on the number of stable social relationships that primate brains can keep track of and maintain.” I was reaching a point where my primate brain was saying ‘no’. I can’t track or maintain this amount of social media ‘stuff’ anymore. But I’m optimistic. The future is all about smaller communities and real connection. In terms of business and making money, remember the 1,000 true fans theory? It could even be about having 100 true fans instead.

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Goodbye people-pleaser

Many of us don’t step back from social media or unfollow en masse because we are afraid to. Afraid that we need it for our jobs and we are majorly going against our inner people-pleaser. We want to keep everyone happy. There is an entrenched social etiquette around ‘who is following who’. Who is following me back? Who unfollowed me? It keeps people awake at night, and I interviewed people about it for Disconnected. They would keep tabs on who was liking their photos, crumble into a pit of self doubt if someone unfollowed them, and be upset if a close friend stopped liking things. We worry about this first, without wondering if our friend is simply taking a step back. Social fear takes over first. It’s just the way we are wired, but it’s hardly ever personal. Let self-compassion lead the way.

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Tastes like freedom

I feel better already. I am following much, much less. I no longer have the voices of 4,000 people swirling around my feed. I have head space. Notifications are off. The app is less tempting now. I’m following a few news outlets on Twitter so I keep slightly abreast of things at a pace that suits me. I have a work Instagram that is a part of my business and I have a private Instagram account following around 100 people. People whose baby photos I want to see, updates from family friends, holiday pictures from my siblings, and in general people close to me who kept being hidden in the feed on my other main account. I follow Read.ly for magazines. I have Slack with my team for work logistics. I have Whatsapp and phone calls for friends and family. I have an email address for work queries. I have this Substack community to write for which feels much more important to me than any other social media. My spring clean enabled me to reassess it all. Sometimes it’s nice to put your ducks in a row again.

It’s about poking around and analysing your habits and ‘shoulds’ like you’re dissecting a frog in a biology lab and seeing what is helping and hindering. I realised that it’s about being proactive, and not passive. You can do what you want with the platforms, based on what you want to see and how you want it to be a part of your life.

It’s extremely difficult to let go of the ‘shoulds’. It’s difficult to even work out what you want in the first place. But it’s so freeing when you do.

The questions I asked myself are: what are the things I am doing only because I feel I should? What do I actually want to look at, without being constantly bombarded? How do I actually want to spend my time? What would life be like without reading the news constantly? What/where do I want to put my limited focus and energy into at the moment?

With an empty Twitter newsfeed, I don’t know what’s trending today.

(Ok, apart from the one big thing

It’s a small change, but so far, it feels pretty good.

Disconnected, published with Hodder & Stoughton, is out now.