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Sober-curiosity
When I interviewed Ruby Warrington in December 2019, about her new book The Sober Curious Reset: Change the Way You Drink in 100 Days Or Less, I was defensive at first. There she was: open, funny, friendly, with a calming energy— and I’d arrived severely hungover with a sore throat and I was run down. My voice on the podcast recording was husky, and I sat in my coat in the podcast studio because I felt cold. Around that time, I was drinking about half a bottle of wine a night, sometimes more, thinking it was nothing but a chic wind down part of my routine, having a glass of red (or three) on the go as I cooked dinner for Paul and I. Something occasional had slowly turned into a nightly habit, and I couldn’t pinpoint when that exactly happened. I just remember placing a huge red wine order on Top Cuveé, thinking it was fine, because I was ordering organic wine with a trendy East London label on it. Then taking a big bag of clinking bottles out to the recycling bin every week and thinking: hmm.
On the podcast, I asked Ruby about the term she invented: “sober curious”. It means turning a curious eye to your drinking habits, and/or the role drinking plays in society, but I didn’t really ‘go there’ in the interview. I wasn’t ready. I was curious, but I was still pretending everything was fine. Almost a year later, when I got the book down again from my bookshelf, I decided to be genuinely curious and take a deep breath and admit I did have a bit of a problem. I reached out to Ruby on Whatsapp. She was friendly and encouraging, and wrote lovely things with exclamation marks. I felt supported.
“A bit of a problem” sounds woolly, doesn’t it? Because it was. I was probably drinking the same amount as a large percentage of people all around the UK. It wasn’t A Problem by just looking at it. I didn’t have A Big Problem that was a major cause for concern. I could still do all my work, I could still stick to plans and run my life and show up for everything but there was this low hum of being always slightly foggy. If anything, it was impossible to notice, which is what made it tricky for me to identify in the first place. My friends and family made me feel as though I was probably over-reacting when I said my drinking was bothering me: “Oh come on, it’s fine! Everyone has a few drinks in the evening to take the edge of things!” Or “Don’t worry, me too, it’s totally normal!” It was comforting of them to say it, and drinking every night probably was absolutely fine, and enjoyable, for them, but actually, what I was craving was someone to say this: “if it feels like it’s a problem for you, then maybe it is.”
I knew, deep down, that this habit wasn’t working out for me. Many of us fell into different routines during the lockdowns. Yet layers of social conditioning made it feel totally acceptable to drink my way through it. So I embarked on Ruby’s sober-curious guidebook, jotting down my feelings each day without any alcohol. I learned a lot while giving up drinking. (Full list of things I learned here). One of the major ‘aha’ moments that came out during a session with an external coach was that I wasn’t always numbing out because of bad feelings, I’d often numb out because my highs were too high. Life was almost too good. The day we chatted that through was fascinating, and I realised that this is a thing — sometimes we are so scared of being happy. I’ve spoken about this before in my book SABOTAGE. I want to be present for the highs and lows of my life. I no longer wanted to numb them out.
This personal piece of writing of course comes with the big caveat that I’m only writing about myself here, and have absolutely no judgement on anyone else’s life or decisions. For me though, I’d now say I’m ‘sober curious’ for the foreseeable future, indefinitely, meaning that I rarely drink. Now, it’s not about numbing out or filling a hole, it could still be the odd nice glass of wine with a steak for a birthday, but to be honest, I don’t miss it at all. I’m so much happier without it, with better skin, too.
Sign up to be a paying subscriber, and you can read the full longer piece and a practical list of 8 things I’ve learned since being sober-curious here.
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— 24 Hours in the Creative Life
— ‘Do I Really Need to Be on Social Media?’
— How to write a debut novel on your phone
— Tina Brown on her new book about the British monarchy
— Pop stars on life after the spotlight moves on
— The end of Time Out magazine
— “It’s time to write a book just about Black people”
— Shein: the unacceptable face of throwaway fast fashion
— The great conundrum of the sustainability influencer
— How to Write About the People in Your Life
— The Rise of Mental Health Diagnosis Videos on TikTok
— Searching for the Notorious Celebrity Book Stylist
— The Lonely Stories: loved this brilliant anthology of essays on the joys and struggles of being alone, including writers like Lena Dunham & Jesmyn Ward.
— Shout-out to the World Literacy Foundation (of which I’m a proud ambassador!) Do you love reading? It would be amazing to gift a donation to a child who doesn't have any books at home, you'll be supporting their wellbeing, creativity and development. Thank you so much for considering.
— ps. I’m VERY excited to be doing some events this Summer for Disconnected! Some info here, but I will share ticket links as and when!
— A brilliant episode of You’re Wrong About on How Email Took Over the World with Anne Helen Petersen
— Fearne Cotton & I did a podcast swap! She came on Ctrl Alt Delete & I went onto Happy Place to discuss Disconnected.
— I have also been interviewed on the Alonement podcast, and But Why? with Clemmie Telford, I really enjoyed both chats!
p.s. you can support the work that goes into this newsletter, receive bonus content and join the community by becoming a paying subscriber.
About me: I'm Emma, the writer behind this newsletter. I am a bestselling author and creator of the hit podcast series Ctrl Alt Delete, which is also available as Shortcasts on Blinkist. I’m also a Skillshare teacher on creativity and career pivots. You can also follow me on Instagram here, and Twitter here.