Loved this, I have one child and don't want anymore. I love the one I have, but parenting multiple children isn't for me. Still a bit of a hot take, apparently, as it doesn't matter if you have 0, 1 2, 3+ kids, society will still have a criticism.
I am not a 'kid' person BUT I do love the children of the people I love, *because* they are the people I love's love. If that makes sense. It's not about loving children, it's about loving the people we love, and the children they have are part of this.
Very nice letter and reminder than even though we choose different life paths we can still celebrate together. However, as someone who is child-free I find that the child related milestones carry much more weight than for example, me starting a new hobby like oil painting and sharing photos with some of my mom friends. I don’t take it personally, but in the same way that you said you still want to hear about their lives, in my case, I wish it went both ways. ☺️
That's so sad that your friends who've become parents aren't as interested in big things in your life, it definitely shouldn't be that way! I don't know if that will help, but I wonder if rather than a lack of interest / importance attached to your life, it is grounded in some envy on their part. Although they may be very happy with their life choices, they're likely constantly feeling so time poor and overwhelmed, that they struggle to relate and engage.
I know I've found it very hard to adjust to giving up all my hobbies, and let's be honest even some of my basic needs like sleeping/basic selfcare, because there was just no time or energy left for me whilst juggling young kids, a busy job and general life admin.
It's definitely not an excuse and not something that should last, I always want to hear about my friends life still and I actually think it really helps me by proxi to hear about all the exciting things they get up to.
Could be envy or just a lack of time! I don’t take it super personally but I think there is a big emphasis on the expected milestone’s like marriage, children, etc. but for people who take an unconventional route there’s not much to celebrate. Although taking a different route could be something to celebrate in itself! 🫶
It absolutely is something to celebrate in itself, all milestones are important as long as they make you happy! There is no one universal way of having a life that fulfills you, we all just need to follow our own path.
PS: Also worth remembering that research clearly shows that single women with no kids are the happiest segments of our population, followed by.... married men in heterosexual relationships! Mothers in heterosexual relationships are the least happy/healthy of all segments... (obviously not saying that's a rule, men can be and do choose to be an equal partner, but that's far from the majority). The whole 'women can't be fulfilled unless they are wives and mothers' has been created to sustain our patriarchal society.
Oh, I am definitely fulfilled without all that! But also don’t judge anyone who is. To each their own! Thanks for your thoughtful comments here, Pauline!
This made me cry (good tears!), it was so beautifully put. As an overwhelmed mum of two toddlers, if a friend sent me this I would be so touched and appreciate you even more as a friend. It's so lovely to know you understand that life has changed and we may have less time, but the love is still there and you still want to be friends.
In my experience it's not always the case, and sometimes people drift away because you're considered no fun anymore, which can be heartbreaking when you're going through this big identity crisis and you're desperate for some kid-free/old-you time. I've seen it in particular with my husband with his existing friend group, and it's had a huge impact on him in terms of feeling isolated and unwelcome.
New parent friends are great, but we still desperately need our old friends in our life. We want to know about you, what you're up to, and talk about the things we used to pre-kids. It helps us stay grounded and remind us we are still a whole person, not just a parent.
Of course we do end up talking about our kids too because they take so much space in our life, it's hard not to. And sometimes we do get a bit paranoid about whether we're going on about them for too long, so it's nice to be reassured that it's ok to be a bit obsessed with them. A safe space to vent about how bloody tiring and irritating they can be, and how we don't want to go to Center Parks either (I'm with you!), is also always helpful.
Beautiful, just beautiful. When my daughter was newly born, I was told “you have to find new friends with kids, because they are the only ones who will understand what you will go through”.
Nothing more wrong. Now I have some new friends I met at daycare, but my oldest friends who do not have kids are my biggest strength. They love to hang out with Livia when we go out for dinner, read her books and buy her glittered skirts and notebooks. I share with them her milestones funny new words, but it is also a joy to talk about other things, those that brought us together years ago, like food, books, movies and makeup.
I cried on the tube when I read this today. Then I sent it to my best friend who just had her second baby 5 days ago… she cried too! Then we had a really lovely chat about how proud we are of how we’ve managed to maintain our relationship during this crazy life shift for her. Thank you for writing what was in my head… again! 😘
I love this. I never directly aspired to have children, but my late husband did, so I have these three magical little girls who are just sort of part of the package of me, and I have many friends who are childless, and we all have full and busy lives, as we should, but we all are also all emotionally mature enough to recognize that we don’t have to always be responsive when we can’t be. And I appreciate that grace, acceptance, and understanding because I don’t want to be left behind or left out, and I recognize that my friends don’t want that either, so we just hold space, and it’s beautiful.
This is beautiful. And as a mom of a toddler, I want to tell my childfree-by-choice friends, that I miss you too - the old times, and the old me. And that I'm grateful to have someone who knows all of me.
As a childfree by choice woman who asked if you would consider writing more about friendships in your 30s, may I just say, you nailed it. This really hit home in the best possible way. Thank you x
Oh I love this piece ! I feel seen and I want to send it to my friends. I love my friend's kids so much. I love when they call me auntie, they bring so much joy in my life. I have a dedicated folder with pictures of my real and "not real" nieces and nephews and I often look through them.
My child-free friends and relatives have remained important in my life and in my children's lives as they've grown up, and I think/hope we've remained important in theirs. One friend came to my aid more than once when they were little and I felt like I wasn't coping. My adult daughters still think of her more as an aunty. But I also felt strongly that nothing should be an obligation. It was about continued, much-valued friendship.
😭😍😭😍 this is SO gorgeous. Lord I love you xxxxx
Loved this, I have one child and don't want anymore. I love the one I have, but parenting multiple children isn't for me. Still a bit of a hot take, apparently, as it doesn't matter if you have 0, 1 2, 3+ kids, society will still have a criticism.
I am not a 'kid' person BUT I do love the children of the people I love, *because* they are the people I love's love. If that makes sense. It's not about loving children, it's about loving the people we love, and the children they have are part of this.
Very nice letter and reminder than even though we choose different life paths we can still celebrate together. However, as someone who is child-free I find that the child related milestones carry much more weight than for example, me starting a new hobby like oil painting and sharing photos with some of my mom friends. I don’t take it personally, but in the same way that you said you still want to hear about their lives, in my case, I wish it went both ways. ☺️
That's so sad that your friends who've become parents aren't as interested in big things in your life, it definitely shouldn't be that way! I don't know if that will help, but I wonder if rather than a lack of interest / importance attached to your life, it is grounded in some envy on their part. Although they may be very happy with their life choices, they're likely constantly feeling so time poor and overwhelmed, that they struggle to relate and engage.
I know I've found it very hard to adjust to giving up all my hobbies, and let's be honest even some of my basic needs like sleeping/basic selfcare, because there was just no time or energy left for me whilst juggling young kids, a busy job and general life admin.
It's definitely not an excuse and not something that should last, I always want to hear about my friends life still and I actually think it really helps me by proxi to hear about all the exciting things they get up to.
Could be envy or just a lack of time! I don’t take it super personally but I think there is a big emphasis on the expected milestone’s like marriage, children, etc. but for people who take an unconventional route there’s not much to celebrate. Although taking a different route could be something to celebrate in itself! 🫶
It absolutely is something to celebrate in itself, all milestones are important as long as they make you happy! There is no one universal way of having a life that fulfills you, we all just need to follow our own path.
PS: Also worth remembering that research clearly shows that single women with no kids are the happiest segments of our population, followed by.... married men in heterosexual relationships! Mothers in heterosexual relationships are the least happy/healthy of all segments... (obviously not saying that's a rule, men can be and do choose to be an equal partner, but that's far from the majority). The whole 'women can't be fulfilled unless they are wives and mothers' has been created to sustain our patriarchal society.
Oh, I am definitely fulfilled without all that! But also don’t judge anyone who is. To each their own! Thanks for your thoughtful comments here, Pauline!
This made me cry (good tears!), it was so beautifully put. As an overwhelmed mum of two toddlers, if a friend sent me this I would be so touched and appreciate you even more as a friend. It's so lovely to know you understand that life has changed and we may have less time, but the love is still there and you still want to be friends.
In my experience it's not always the case, and sometimes people drift away because you're considered no fun anymore, which can be heartbreaking when you're going through this big identity crisis and you're desperate for some kid-free/old-you time. I've seen it in particular with my husband with his existing friend group, and it's had a huge impact on him in terms of feeling isolated and unwelcome.
New parent friends are great, but we still desperately need our old friends in our life. We want to know about you, what you're up to, and talk about the things we used to pre-kids. It helps us stay grounded and remind us we are still a whole person, not just a parent.
Of course we do end up talking about our kids too because they take so much space in our life, it's hard not to. And sometimes we do get a bit paranoid about whether we're going on about them for too long, so it's nice to be reassured that it's ok to be a bit obsessed with them. A safe space to vent about how bloody tiring and irritating they can be, and how we don't want to go to Center Parks either (I'm with you!), is also always helpful.
You articulated the heart of an "overwhelmed mum of two toddlers" so well. :)
This is so lovely and honest and has come from such a good place ❤️ P.S. I was offered Centre Parcs, hard no. Also, bloody expensive.
Beautiful, just beautiful. When my daughter was newly born, I was told “you have to find new friends with kids, because they are the only ones who will understand what you will go through”.
Nothing more wrong. Now I have some new friends I met at daycare, but my oldest friends who do not have kids are my biggest strength. They love to hang out with Livia when we go out for dinner, read her books and buy her glittered skirts and notebooks. I share with them her milestones funny new words, but it is also a joy to talk about other things, those that brought us together years ago, like food, books, movies and makeup.
This resonates with me so much. As another child-free 30 something, it's all so true! I'll be waiting outside the door <3
I cried on the tube when I read this today. Then I sent it to my best friend who just had her second baby 5 days ago… she cried too! Then we had a really lovely chat about how proud we are of how we’ve managed to maintain our relationship during this crazy life shift for her. Thank you for writing what was in my head… again! 😘
I love this. I never directly aspired to have children, but my late husband did, so I have these three magical little girls who are just sort of part of the package of me, and I have many friends who are childless, and we all have full and busy lives, as we should, but we all are also all emotionally mature enough to recognize that we don’t have to always be responsive when we can’t be. And I appreciate that grace, acceptance, and understanding because I don’t want to be left behind or left out, and I recognize that my friends don’t want that either, so we just hold space, and it’s beautiful.
This is beautiful. And as a mom of a toddler, I want to tell my childfree-by-choice friends, that I miss you too - the old times, and the old me. And that I'm grateful to have someone who knows all of me.
As a childfree by choice woman who asked if you would consider writing more about friendships in your 30s, may I just say, you nailed it. This really hit home in the best possible way. Thank you x
Missing milestones (including birthdays) is a biggie for me, thankfully my friends don’t seem to mind too much 😊
This made me tear up… ❤️
Oh I love this piece ! I feel seen and I want to send it to my friends. I love my friend's kids so much. I love when they call me auntie, they bring so much joy in my life. I have a dedicated folder with pictures of my real and "not real" nieces and nephews and I often look through them.
This is such beautiful an important piece!
Such a good read, Emma.
My child-free friends and relatives have remained important in my life and in my children's lives as they've grown up, and I think/hope we've remained important in theirs. One friend came to my aid more than once when they were little and I felt like I wasn't coping. My adult daughters still think of her more as an aunty. But I also felt strongly that nothing should be an obligation. It was about continued, much-valued friendship.